No more daydreaming

15 years ago I had my first period. It was a time of mixed emotions, but I was excited (and relieved) that I was on the first step to womanhood. Through my teens my time of the month was regular as clockwork, and always very painful. After dreading every one for so many years, it seems strange now that I can't wait for its return.

Despite Alice having started weaning at 6 months, she still relies heavily on breastmilk night and day. As a result, I haven't had a period since November 2008. My teenage self would be jumping for joy, but I'm getting so frustrated. Since Alice was barely a month old, I've felt broody, and that broodiness has only kept on growing. I find myself frequently daydreaming about how life would be with another baby around, and I absent-mindedly rest my hand on my tummy as if I was already carrying a new little life.

I've realised that I need to try and stop this. Daydreaming won't make my fertility come back any faster. However much I wee on sticks and squint at them until I could swear I could see a line won't make that baby appear any sooner. At times, I have considered trying to night wean Alice, and have even tried to put her off when she comes to me for a feed. This was the final straw. It is important to me that I nurse Alice until she's at least 2, and if she self weans before then I wouldn't want it to be down to my actions. I have been putting my desire for a new baby ahead of her needs, and I must stop it. I am going to try my hardest to enjoy every stage of her toddlerhood and a sibling may or may not come along. I don't have a right to have another baby. I realise how lucky I am to have one, and I should stop taking her for granted.