To have a strong relationship with someone, it is essential to trust them, but if we trust our children, we're often frowned upon, or at least deemed irresponsible.
It is not only children who are mistrusted. From the moment of conception, we're encouraged to put ourselves in the care of professionals. Doctors and midwives take blood samples, measure heart rates and take scans. During the birth, mother and baby are monitored, and all too often the birth is taken out of the mother's control. It seems a natural progression then that professionals should continue to be involved with the subsequent care of the baby. Health visitors, well meaning friends and of course, the ubiquitous baby care book are all on hand to offer advice and the mother learns to ignore her instincts.
Those who practise cry it out or controlled crying techniques rarely enjoy the experience. The sound of a baby's cry, even one that isn't ours, spurs us to do something about it. To ignore a baby's cry goes against our instincts. Jean Liedloff writes in The Continuum Concept that 'young mothers read and obey, untrusting of their innate ability, untrusting of the baby's 'motives' in giving the still perfectly clear signals." (p.49) In our society, children, even babies, are viewed with suspicion. Rather than trusting that their cries signal a need, we are told that they are manipulating us. Liefloff continues, saying that "Babies have, indeed, become a sort of enemy to be vanquished by the mother. Crying must be ignored so as to show the baby who is boss, and a basic premise in the relationship is that every effort should be made to force the baby to conform to the mother's wishes." (p.49). In this relationship, there is no trust. The mother no longer trusts herself, and she certainly doesn't trust the baby to know his own mind. Saddest of all, the baby soon learns that its mother cannot be trusted to fulfil his needs.
This pattern continues as the child grows. 'Pick your battles' while true in essence, and something I regularly remind myself of, emphasises the way we view our relationship with our children as an adversarial one. There can be no real trust with an adversary. Locked in a battle of wills with their children, it is no surprise that many parents find themselves under huge stress. Would it be so disastrous, however, to trust our children? To assume, unless clearly proven otherwise, that their motives are good? Christina Fletcher, writing in The Mother says of children 'it's important to see them as Who They Really Are through our words, actions and thoughts, and make them feel like they have great worth to the world." (p.31) When we see them this way, when we trust in them, they will more often than not live up to our expectations.
Fletcher, C. (2010, November/December).Dealing with sibling rivalry with spirit. The Mother, 43, 31-32.
Liedloff, J. (2004) The Continuum Concept (New Ed edition) London: Penguin.
Showing posts with label attachment parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label attachment parenting. Show all posts
Friday, 26 November 2010
Thursday, 14 October 2010
Tantrums
Before having Alice, I was pretty hard on parents. I was convinced that I would be able to sail through parenting and would always manage any behaviour problems with ease, that is if my child ever showed any sort of misbehaviour. My fine skills would mean that any child of mine would rarely, if ever display any sort of undesirable behaviour. Now, at thirteen months old, Alice is showing me that I might have been a bit hasty to judge so quickly. Most of the time, she is a sunny, happy little girl. She's confident and full of humour. Unfortunately, as she displayed even as a newborn, there's no middle ground with her, and when she's not happy, she makes it very, very clear.
Tantrums are the usually result when I pick her up when she doesn't want me to, try to carry her when she wants to walk, or take something away that she was playing with. I try to limit how often this happens, but there are always times when it can't be avoided. She will alternate going totally rigid with becoming floppy and throwing herself on the floor. She's impossible to pick up when she's in this state. She screams like a banshee and writhes around and all I can do is sit near her and stroke her back until she's back in control.
I cope quite well when we're in private, but if this happens in a public place, I can't help feeling the eyes of other people on me. I am tempted to be harder on Alice when we're in public, putting on the stern face, or yanking her to her feet, as I want to show bystanders that I am doing something about her behaviour. My child may be all but foaming at the mouth, but I'm not a pushover, oh no! It's at those times that I need to remind myself that she is more important than the opinions of others, and she needs calm reassurance to regain her control.
If nothing else, I've learnt to be far less judgemental about the decisions of others. I don't always deal with her tantrums as well as I should do, but I'm sure I will have many opportunities to practice my skills over the next few months!
Tantrums are the usually result when I pick her up when she doesn't want me to, try to carry her when she wants to walk, or take something away that she was playing with. I try to limit how often this happens, but there are always times when it can't be avoided. She will alternate going totally rigid with becoming floppy and throwing herself on the floor. She's impossible to pick up when she's in this state. She screams like a banshee and writhes around and all I can do is sit near her and stroke her back until she's back in control.
I cope quite well when we're in private, but if this happens in a public place, I can't help feeling the eyes of other people on me. I am tempted to be harder on Alice when we're in public, putting on the stern face, or yanking her to her feet, as I want to show bystanders that I am doing something about her behaviour. My child may be all but foaming at the mouth, but I'm not a pushover, oh no! It's at those times that I need to remind myself that she is more important than the opinions of others, and she needs calm reassurance to regain her control.
If nothing else, I've learnt to be far less judgemental about the decisions of others. I don't always deal with her tantrums as well as I should do, but I'm sure I will have many opportunities to practice my skills over the next few months!
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
Tummy bug
As I type, Alice is sleeping on my lap recovering from a particularly unpleasant tummy bug. There's been a lot of it around lately according to my doctor, and I'm hearing about lots of cases from friends. She started being sick at 4am on Monday, and has pretty consistently vomited every 2-3 hours since then. Today we've also had the added delights of diarrhoea to contend with. I must admit, I have rarely had negative thoughts about reusable nappies until this week!
I took her to the doctor yesterday who gave me a prescription for a rehydration drink, although she agreed that Alice wasn't dehydrated at the time. Despite the frequent bouts of sickness and diarrhoea, over 24 hours on she is still seeming to be reasonably well hydrated. Her tongue isn't dry, she still makes tears, and she is getting wet nappies. I can only put this down to the breastmilk. Since Sunday evening, she hasn't touched solid food, or even water. Breastmilk is the only thing she will accept. I have decided to ignore the doctors advice to express milk and add water to it. It seems a strange idea to me to dilute the milk that seems to be helping her, not to mention that drinking from a cup doesn't have the emotional comfort that getting milk straight from the tap does.
Having a poorly baby makes me feel very powerless. There's not much I can do to help, but feeding her is giving her the strength she needs to get through without too much trouble. Apparently, I'm not alone. According to the NCT, babies who are not breastfed are 5 times more likely to be admitted to hospital with gastroenteritis and in 1995, the Department of Health estimated that the NHS spends at least £35 million per year treating gastroenteritis in bottle-fed babies in England (Breastfeeding: Good Practice Guidance to the NHS, Department of Health 1995).
Anyway, after all my handwashing, laundry and covering everything in tea tree oil, I'm not feeling too good myself. If only breastmilk could protect me from the ill effects too!
I took her to the doctor yesterday who gave me a prescription for a rehydration drink, although she agreed that Alice wasn't dehydrated at the time. Despite the frequent bouts of sickness and diarrhoea, over 24 hours on she is still seeming to be reasonably well hydrated. Her tongue isn't dry, she still makes tears, and she is getting wet nappies. I can only put this down to the breastmilk. Since Sunday evening, she hasn't touched solid food, or even water. Breastmilk is the only thing she will accept. I have decided to ignore the doctors advice to express milk and add water to it. It seems a strange idea to me to dilute the milk that seems to be helping her, not to mention that drinking from a cup doesn't have the emotional comfort that getting milk straight from the tap does.
Having a poorly baby makes me feel very powerless. There's not much I can do to help, but feeding her is giving her the strength she needs to get through without too much trouble. Apparently, I'm not alone. According to the NCT, babies who are not breastfed are 5 times more likely to be admitted to hospital with gastroenteritis and in 1995, the Department of Health estimated that the NHS spends at least £35 million per year treating gastroenteritis in bottle-fed babies in England (Breastfeeding: Good Practice Guidance to the NHS, Department of Health 1995).
Anyway, after all my handwashing, laundry and covering everything in tea tree oil, I'm not feeling too good myself. If only breastmilk could protect me from the ill effects too!
Monday, 20 September 2010
Baby Wearing and Buggies
I've had a few slings and carriers, some better than others. My favourite was, and is, a BabyHawk mei tai. By far the prettiest and most comfortable of the lot. I used to happily walk for miles while carrying Alice, the changing bag and often a shopping bag too. If the destination was within 4 miles, I'd walk it. I loved the ease of being able to go up steps, on escalators and over rough ground with no concerns, often with Alice latched on.
Unfortunately, the inevitable happened. The baby got bigger. Even my lovely mei tai is causing me trouble if I leave it on too long. At around 23lb (10.5 kg), I'm not fit enough to carry Alice as far as I did. I had found by the time I came home, I was exhausted. My back was giving me the odd twinge, and I'd often choose the route home that was the shortest rather than the most fun.
I struggled with the idea of giving up carrying her everywhere. It seemed like a very visible indication of my parenting style. To begin using a pushchair felt to me as if I had somehow failed. It was with a heavy heart then that I accepted the offer of a lightweight buggy from my mum. Thankfully, the first time Alice saw it, she crawled straight in. She even chatters to herself while she's in it. It's easy to use, and I'm more likely to take a detour to the park on the way home. I must admit though, I miss feeling her little body next to mine. I miss the running commentary I gave her as we would walk along together, touching leaves on bushes and kissing the top of her head.
Progressing to the pushchair feels like the physical manifestation of the separation that has started between us. When she learnt to walk, there was a change in her. She suddenly became a little more independent. My little baby had been swapped for a toddler and I hadn't been informed. I suppose that's just what the mother/child relationship is though. A gradual separation. Although the AP methods I have employed have helped, and are still helping her to develop confidence in herself and take those steps to independence, I also hope that they have forged a connection that will last even when she is grown.
Our baby wearing days aren't over yet. I still bring the mei tai whenever we go out, just in case, and it's invaluable when getting on the train or going for walks in the country. Now, when I use it, I value every moment.
Wednesday, 1 September 2010
A word of advice
As Alice has reached her first birthday, it's got me thinking about the experience of looking after her. While I was pregnant I was almost overwhelmed with advice. Parenting is an area that everyone has an opinion on, and everyone wants to share those opinions with you. Sometimes the advice is helpful, sometimes not so much. Here are five sayings that I found invaluable, and five that I wish I'd never heard.
1) This too shall pass
I'm still reciting this mantra virtually every day! It is good to know that just when you think you can take no more - broken sleep, biting while feeding, throwing food, pulling on wires, the phase is over and the baby is on to the next stage.
2) Follow your instincts
It is still miraculous to me that somehow Alice and I just seemed to know what to do. She latched on herself better than any midwife could have latched her. I knew I should feed her when she wanted to, not just at 2 hourly intervals, and I always picked her up when she cried. Obviously, some things took practice, but the essentials were there.
3) What babies need most is a happy mummy.
I still need to remind myself of this. A good mother is seen as totally unselfish. To occasionally put ourselves first seems like sacrilege, but it is sometimes necessary. I have been so burnt out at times that I have resented the baby for doing what babies do, and that is a horrible place to be. Calling in the cavalry (usually my husband!) and going for a long bath with a cup of tea is a much better way to deal with the inevitable frustrations of baby care.
4) Sleep breeds sleep
In the early days I worried that if she slept too much, she wouldn't sleep at night. Turns out they sleep much easier when they are well rested. Which brings me on to...
5) Never wake a sleeping baby
Enough said.
And now to the not so helpful comments:
1) You're making a rod for your own back.
Co-sleeping, picking them up when they cry, breastfeeding on demand. you name it, you'll hear that awful phrase. Well, it isn't true.
2) Crying is good exercise for the lungs.
I think it was Dr Sears who said if crying is good for the lungs, bleeding is good for the veins.
3) Breastfed babies don't get colic
I laboured under this belief for a long time but have come to realise that Alice was a colicky baby. her symptoms melted away at around 4 months and she seemed like a new baby. I had a very quick let down and she was constantly sick. I feel awful that I didn't make an effort to help her more at that stage.
4) Big babies need weaning sooner
I've heard this from all corners including my health visitor, but it has never made sense to me. How could mushy vegetables or cereal provide more calories than milk?
5) Put the baby down or they'll get clingy.
Nope.
1) This too shall pass
I'm still reciting this mantra virtually every day! It is good to know that just when you think you can take no more - broken sleep, biting while feeding, throwing food, pulling on wires, the phase is over and the baby is on to the next stage.
2) Follow your instincts
It is still miraculous to me that somehow Alice and I just seemed to know what to do. She latched on herself better than any midwife could have latched her. I knew I should feed her when she wanted to, not just at 2 hourly intervals, and I always picked her up when she cried. Obviously, some things took practice, but the essentials were there.
3) What babies need most is a happy mummy.
I still need to remind myself of this. A good mother is seen as totally unselfish. To occasionally put ourselves first seems like sacrilege, but it is sometimes necessary. I have been so burnt out at times that I have resented the baby for doing what babies do, and that is a horrible place to be. Calling in the cavalry (usually my husband!) and going for a long bath with a cup of tea is a much better way to deal with the inevitable frustrations of baby care.
4) Sleep breeds sleep
In the early days I worried that if she slept too much, she wouldn't sleep at night. Turns out they sleep much easier when they are well rested. Which brings me on to...
5) Never wake a sleeping baby
Enough said.
And now to the not so helpful comments:
1) You're making a rod for your own back.
Co-sleeping, picking them up when they cry, breastfeeding on demand. you name it, you'll hear that awful phrase. Well, it isn't true.
2) Crying is good exercise for the lungs.
I think it was Dr Sears who said if crying is good for the lungs, bleeding is good for the veins.
3) Breastfed babies don't get colic
I laboured under this belief for a long time but have come to realise that Alice was a colicky baby. her symptoms melted away at around 4 months and she seemed like a new baby. I had a very quick let down and she was constantly sick. I feel awful that I didn't make an effort to help her more at that stage.
4) Big babies need weaning sooner
I've heard this from all corners including my health visitor, but it has never made sense to me. How could mushy vegetables or cereal provide more calories than milk?
5) Put the baby down or they'll get clingy.
Nope.
Tuesday, 10 August 2010
High Expectations
Alice is rapidly approaching her first birthday, but she still seems so little I often underestimate her abilities. She has been showing signs lately, literally through sign language and in more subtle ways, that she understands much more than I give her credit for. I have been thinking about the subject of discipline lately. A friend of mine got me thinking when she said that she is confident with mothering, but the idea of parenting seems quite daunting. I feel much the same. In our culture, we seem to have a very negative view of our children. Their wills must be suppressed in favour of ours. They are naturally 'naughty' and need correcting. We almost expect bad behaviour. I was surprised to realise that I have been guilty of this attitude even though Alice is still so young. When she picks up something off the floor and it is en route to her mouth, I tell her not to eat it without any real conviction that she will do as I say. But here's the thing. She does do as I say. More often than not, if I ask her to give me whatever she's holding, or come away from something she shouldn't touch, she does so with no fuss. If I take it off her or quickly pull her away, naturally she gets very cross, as I'm sure I would in her situation.
I am at the very beginning of my parenting journey, and I don't claim to have any expertise, but my instinct tells me that if I keep my expectations of good behaviour high, then Alice will probably live up to them. Speaking to her with respect and giving her reasons is not talking above her level, it is showing the courtesy that I would have for an adult, and that I hope she will display to others. Obviously there will be times when she behaves in a way that I don't approve of, but hopefully having a good relationship based on trusting each other and modelling good behaviour will help to see us through difficult times.
I am at the very beginning of my parenting journey, and I don't claim to have any expertise, but my instinct tells me that if I keep my expectations of good behaviour high, then Alice will probably live up to them. Speaking to her with respect and giving her reasons is not talking above her level, it is showing the courtesy that I would have for an adult, and that I hope she will display to others. Obviously there will be times when she behaves in a way that I don't approve of, but hopefully having a good relationship based on trusting each other and modelling good behaviour will help to see us through difficult times.
Wednesday, 7 July 2010
Attached but apart
I am very comfortable with the attached style of parenting we have adopted. It seemed to come naturally. It just felt right to hold my baby close most of the time, to pick her up or nurse her as soon as she cried. I am most comfortable when I am holding my baby because I know that is where she is most comfortable too.
It seems, however, that this is starting to change. My baby has unaccountably become 10 months old and seems to be on the cusp of becoming a toddler. Seemingly overnight she has become more confident to explore her surroundings, shakily standing on her own two feet figuratively as well as literally. Letting her go from me isn't coming as naturally as it should. This weekend she went out in a huge Silvercross pram from the 1970s. She held on to the sides with a huge grin on her face knowing she was going to have some fun. I watched as my mother-in-law pushed the pram out of the gate and off on a walk and wondered if I had made the right choice. I'd decided to let them go without me. To many people this might seem to be a very small incident, but this was the first time Alice has been in the care of anyone other than me or her daddy. As I watched her beaming face from the window, I knew I'd made the right choice. She is ready to go a little further from me, and however difficult that is for me, I need to let her.
Forty minutes later, my baby returned with her proud grandmother. There had been no tears and she'd soon fallen asleep. Proof, if I needed it, that she had been happy with the arrangement. I know this is only going to continue, and hopefully I will start to find it easier as she moves away from me. I don't want to restrict her development by keeping her with me when she can thrive on her own. It comforts me to think that the physical closeness we fostered at the beginning will continue as an emotional bond as she gains greater independence.
It seems, however, that this is starting to change. My baby has unaccountably become 10 months old and seems to be on the cusp of becoming a toddler. Seemingly overnight she has become more confident to explore her surroundings, shakily standing on her own two feet figuratively as well as literally. Letting her go from me isn't coming as naturally as it should. This weekend she went out in a huge Silvercross pram from the 1970s. She held on to the sides with a huge grin on her face knowing she was going to have some fun. I watched as my mother-in-law pushed the pram out of the gate and off on a walk and wondered if I had made the right choice. I'd decided to let them go without me. To many people this might seem to be a very small incident, but this was the first time Alice has been in the care of anyone other than me or her daddy. As I watched her beaming face from the window, I knew I'd made the right choice. She is ready to go a little further from me, and however difficult that is for me, I need to let her.
Forty minutes later, my baby returned with her proud grandmother. There had been no tears and she'd soon fallen asleep. Proof, if I needed it, that she had been happy with the arrangement. I know this is only going to continue, and hopefully I will start to find it easier as she moves away from me. I don't want to restrict her development by keeping her with me when she can thrive on her own. It comforts me to think that the physical closeness we fostered at the beginning will continue as an emotional bond as she gains greater independence.
Saturday, 17 April 2010
Feeling ill, staying attached
It's been a bit of a tricky week or so. All of us have been under the weather and it hasn't made life easy. Things particularly came to a head a couple of days ago when I found myself having to make very frequent dashes to the bathroom. Unfortunately, when Alice feels poorly, she likes to feed. A lot. This meant that she was unceremoniously unlatched, put on the floor and left for a few minutes fairly often. As a baby who is used to always being allowed to nurse as long as she likes and to having parents around almost all the time, this probably came as something of a shock. She made her displeasure pretty obvious even to me upstairs.
I've struggled a bit with feeling guilty for not being there to fulfil her needs as much as I usually do. I've frequently had to unlatch her as I was just too sore to continue. As we 'rested' in bed I struggled to keep my patience as she hit me over the head for the twelfth time with her stuffed pig. I didn't feel I was fulfilling the role I have set myself and Alice had certainly noticed. Thankfully, a friend had lent me The Attachment Parenting Book by William and Martha Sears. In it, they write 'What our baby needs most is a happy, rested mother.' This struck a chord with me, and I realised I didn't have to be some super woman. I managed to call in the cavalry (my lovely husband) and ignore the frankly towering pile of washing and concentrated on feeling better. Alice and her Daddy enjoyed some quality time, and I remembered that it is my aim to just be 'good enough'.
I've struggled a bit with feeling guilty for not being there to fulfil her needs as much as I usually do. I've frequently had to unlatch her as I was just too sore to continue. As we 'rested' in bed I struggled to keep my patience as she hit me over the head for the twelfth time with her stuffed pig. I didn't feel I was fulfilling the role I have set myself and Alice had certainly noticed. Thankfully, a friend had lent me The Attachment Parenting Book by William and Martha Sears. In it, they write 'What our baby needs most is a happy, rested mother.' This struck a chord with me, and I realised I didn't have to be some super woman. I managed to call in the cavalry (my lovely husband) and ignore the frankly towering pile of washing and concentrated on feeling better. Alice and her Daddy enjoyed some quality time, and I remembered that it is my aim to just be 'good enough'.
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